The House Elf Chronicles
by onethos
Summary: A collection of Oneshots featuring the most underated power in the HP multiverse. House elf's.
1. Luna Lovegood

**Forward: **This is a collection a of stories inspired by drunken rambling (sans the drunkenness) with copious amounts of chocolate and a ridiculously large amount of sugary carbonated beverages. Basically my cousin postulated the question to me 'What if the power that Voldemort knew not was... Dobby the house elf.' This got us thinking (usually not a good thing but this time it paid off, it was bound to happen eventually you know law of averages and all that fun stuff) and of course spawned more then a few oneshots. We will of course take contributions (meaning if you like the idea and decide to write your own you can send it to the email for this account and I will post it... please no smut I mean it's Dobby man) thank you and enjoy.

**Ladies and Gentlemen Let's Give a Hand to Tom Riddle.**

Harry Potter had just left the headmaster's office and was currently traversing the seventh floor corridor feeling rather put upon when he noticed Luna Lovegood attaching notices to a bulletin board precariously attached to the wall. Harry approached Luna secretly convinced that she herself was not only attaching the notices to the boards but also the boards themselves to the walls since they were clearly the muggle variety and Harry had never seen one on the walls in his entire Hogwarts career. He opened his mouth intent on asking her about the notices when a sudden compulsion overcame him to explain the prophecy to the strange girl.

"... Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives." he finished. He looked intently at Luna who seemed engrossed in trying to determine the shape of a patch of dirt on the wall behind him. "Well Luna what do you think I should do about all this."

"Well in my personal and expert opinion it is always best to approach these sort of questions and puzzles while you are completely shit faced." She replied in a no nonsense kind of voice. Finally she looked at him the glossed over look still in her eyes and pulled a large class bottle from behind her back. Upon closer inspection the word Everclear appeared to have been scrawled untidily upon the otherwise clear surface of the bottle.

Three hours later we find our two intrepid heroes in the Room of Requirement. They had soon been joined by Several other students. Ron Weasley was currently having difficulty standing despite the fact that he appeared to be sitting, Neville Longbottom appeared to be bench pressing a stone bench supporting, both the Creevey brothers as well as Ginny Weasley who had at some point dissolved into a large fit of giggles and was showing no signs of slowing anytime soon. It was rather evident that at some point earlier in the evening someone had cast a lightening charm upon both the bench and its occupants. Draco Malfoy who had wandered in an hour or so after the others but had still managed to imbibe more alcohol then any other person present, was attempting to dance the tango with both Hermione Granger and Winky the house elf. Said muggleborn prodigy was currently under the mistaken impression that she was being held in the arms of her secret love, Johnny Depp. This was further supported by the numerous charms that the Weasley twins, who were not surprisingly the only two people who showed no signs of inebriation, had placed on Draco Malfoy to make him resemble said muggle actor.

Luna Lovegood, Harry Potter Dobby the house elf, Crabbe, Goyle, the Sorting Hat, Fawkes, Proffesor Sinistra who for some odd reason was wearing X-ray glasses, were all sitting down at a game of poker in varying states of undress, that was currently being dealt by Crookshanks who was currently wearing a floppy hat and referring to himself as Agent K.

"Masfur Potty..." Dobby drunkenly slurred out whilst facing Crabbe, "Dobby hash an-an ide- er a plan." He then released a very large hiccup that spun him atop his stool until he was actually facing Harry.

"What we's ish- what we's ish having to do... is... is." Here Harry proceeded to cut the house elf off by throwing his arms around the neck of the smaller creature toppling both parties to the floor.

"Dobby your my best friend. Well besides that jealous Ron and that know it all Her-my-nee and to be honest most people in this room except for those bookends and that strange muggle actor dancing with her-my-nee. What I is meaning to say is that I love you. I Love You. And you do what you... what you... gotta... do." It was at this point that Harry rested his head against the floor a small river of drool already pooling from his mouth.

With a snap of his fingers and a swish of his newly summoned blade Dobby popped away. He appeared in the shadows of a large opulent balcony several hundred meters above the cave floor below. At the time there appeared to be a large gathering of death eaters on the ground below all looking up at the form of the Dark Lord Voldemort who was giving an arrogant speech. It was at that point that Dobby with a scream of 'Anar'alah Belore' threw the hand at the Dark Lord. Just as the hand was about to hit the Dark Lord Dobby hiccuped loudly engorging the hand to fifteen times its original size smashing the Dark Lord through the balcony rail crushing several death eaters below as well as reducing the self proclaimed Dark Lord to a smear of red slime on the ground. Dobby then quickly popped to the ground, picked up the recently re shrunk had and waving it above his head screaming popped away leaving a group of stunned and amazed death eaters.

The next day a number of people awoke in the Room of Requirements. Harry Potter looked down at his hand and seeing that it was covered in red slime proceeded to empty the contents of his stomach on the recently de-charmed Draco Malfoy who was curled against the sleeping form of the house elf Winky. After scourgifying the puke that had attached itself to his shirt he stood up and deciding that it would be best for him that he was not there when everyone else awoke promptly left the room.

It was later discovered that the Dark Lord had been defeated though none who were there would speak of the issue. The night was of course decided silently to never be spoke of again.

**Morty is a Pervert**

Harry Potter had just left the headmaster's office and was currently traversing the seventh floor corridor feeling rather put upon when he noticed Luna Lovegood who was currently posting wanted posters on the wall. Harry looked at one of the posters to see what it was that the strange girl was after. On the poster in large writing was Wanted followed by a large blank space. After that it stated to bring all information regarding this creature to Argus Filch for a reward of $$10,000,000,000. He opened his mouth intent on asking her about the posters when a sudden compulsion overcame him to explain the prophecy to the strange girl.

"... Either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives." he finished. He looked intently at Luna who seemed engrossed in trying to determine whether Harry's hair was naturally that shade of purple.

"Well that's nice." And with that she turned and walked away leaving Harry wondering what exactly had come over him. He quickly decided that he needed to get something off his chest and started off in the direction of the Room of Requirements to let off some more steam. Somehow he knew that the headmaster would not be happy if he destroyed his office some more. Regardless of how much he wanted to.

Meanwhile Luna had taken it upon herself to assist Harry with his problem. The Prophecy not the blowing stuff up. So with that in mind she headed off towards the kitchens a plan slowly forming in her head. If anyone knew the real Luna Lovegood they would be afraid to be the on the receiving end of said plan. Fortunately for her she had spent the past four years convincing everyone in the castle that she was crazy, well almost everyone. She had the strange idea that Harry did not believe that she was crazy. She doubted that he knew that she was faking but she couldn't put it past him to figure it out. He was a lot smarter then most gave him credit for, including his friends. Before long she found herself standing in front of the entrance to the kitchens and after tickling the pear she entered. Quickly all eyes were on her and before long she was able to pin point exactly who it was that she was looking for. She walked over to the elf and pulled him out of the room so that they could talk in peace.

Three hours later at an undisclosed location sat the current Dark Lord. Unknown to all was the fact that a small contingent of Hogwarts house elf's were preparing for a small scale assault on the hidden fortress. They attacked as one subduing all in the room with their house elf magic. They quickly ensured that none would be able to interfere with their plans.

The Dark Lord was not one for fear but here surrounded by no less than thirty psychotic looking elves he could say that he was honestly disturbed, not that he would. Suddenly out of the crowd came a single elf. It walked up to the Dark Lord and with a snap of his fingers he found himself kneeling against his will before the elves.

"Morty we ish here to ensure that no one learns the truth about yous. You ish a pervert." With that every elf in the cavern gasped. "Yes it's true Morty is really an elf that betrayed its masters and killeded them. For that he must be's punished. We's must nots let this spread. Death to Morty." and with that every elf snapped its fingers and the Dark Lord was no more.

Meanwhile back at Hogwarts Luna was heading to the Room of Requirements. She was hoping to find Harry and tell him the good news. Opening the door she saw him standing in the middle of the room surrounded by destroyed busts of Voldemort, Bellatrix, and oddly enough Albus Dumbledore. She spotted his wand on the floor next to her and watched as he raised his hand at the last complete bust and with a scream it exploded. She walked over to him and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Harry I have some news for you." she said in a normal voice. At least it would have been normal if it came from anyone other than Luna coming from her it sounded foreign and Harry had to admit that he liked her normal voice. He looked up at her and saw her smiling a true smile. One that he had not seen before on her. He had known for a long time that Luna was not as strange as she appeared. He knew that she had to be wearing a mask. Just like he did.

"Good news?" he asked hopefully. He knew that there was no news that could be good at this point. After he had come to the room he had started to think. He knew that he would have to face Voldemort. He knew that there would be something stopping him from simply hitting him with a AK. He knew that he would have to go on some stupid journey involving many life and death situations and many close calls. He also knew that at the end it was useless. There was no way that he would be able to defeat the Dark Lord. He was doomed.

"Voldemort is dead." she stated once again in her dreamy voice. He looked at her shocked wondering if she was having one over on him. He was dumbfounded. All he could see was the truth.

"Wha-how?" he asked not believing that what she said.

"Well after you told me about the prophecy I decided that you needed some help. So I started to think. What if this was a self fulfilling prophecy. Then-"

"Wait what do you mean a self fulfilling prophecy?"

"Oh it is a prophecy that fulfills it self. Meaning that something can happen like say a group of house elves are convinced that the Dark Lord was once an elf that killed its masters. This of course would cause all the other elves to want that elf dead. And when a house elf wants you dead... well your dead. Anyway say one of the elves belonged to you. Technically he would be counted as one of your hands. Then he could kill the Dark Lord." After hearing this Harry went slack jawed.

"Why would the elves believe that Voldemort was once a house elf?" he asked. Deep down he knew the answer but he still wanted to hear it.

"Well thats simple. I convinced them that it was true." yep exactly what he thought. But he didn't care. He knew very little about magic. And even less about prophecy's. So what Luna said made perfect sense... to him at least. Overcome with joy by the fact that he would not have to fight the Tom he launched himself at Luna and enveloped her in a deep kiss.


	2. Movie Night Part 1

Hermione Granger had always prided herself on her efficiency. Ever since she had started S.P.E.W she had fought for the rights of the House Elfs. She was currently on her way to the headmasters office to present her latest case. She knew that he had to listen to this one.

"I need to have a word with the Headmaster." she stated to the stone gargoyle. She knew that the thing was sentient. She had read so in Hogwarts a History. She also knew that it would relay the message to the headmaster. It was also the reason that he always knew who was entering. She was awoken from her quite contemplation when it jumped to the side allowing her entrance. She wasted no time and soon found herself in front of the door leading to the office of one of the most powerful people in the wizarding world. This however did not scare her. She was a witch on a mission. She had to do this for the sake of the wizarding world.

"Enter." came a soft grandfatherly voice from the other side of the door. She quickly entered and prepared for what she knew to be at least an hour long presentation. She knew this because she had timed herself.

"Headmaster. I have come here to discuss with you the terms of the house elfs employment. It is-"

"I agree completely Ms. Granger. I to believe that they should have a movie night. I also just so happen to have a magical projector and a copy of both Ghost Busters and Ghost Busters 2. Now if I could be so kind as to set it up for them it would be very helpful." and with that he handed her a shrunken chest and ushered her out of his office. "Phew just dodged a bullet there. Now where did I put my Lego?" and with that the headmaster began to search his office for his missing Lego.

Meanwhile Hermione was slowly becoming aware of the fact that she had just been played. She knew that the headmaster knew always knew what was going on in his castle so she had no doubt that he had intentionally confused her to get out of the presentation that she had. Regardless she had definitely accomplished something today. And he was right. The House Elfs did indeed deserve a movie night and she was gonna give it to them. It was then that she realized that her feet had already carried her to the Great Hall. She wasted no time setting the projector and screen up and after enchanting a candle to focus its light into a more concentrated and brighter beam she was ready.

"Dobby." she called knowing that the elf would come. And she was not disappointed for as soon as the name left her lips the energetic elf arrived. "Dobby I have orders from the headmaster. This is very important the fate of the free world depends on these orders. He has decided that it would be wise to study these two movies and he has chosen you House Elfs to be his researchers. So call the other elves and watch both the movies." and with that she spun on her heal and left. Maybe she could go and find Harry and convince him to do some "Homework". Yeah she was sure that she could.

After she had left Dobby wasted no time in setting up a theater. He summoned rows of semi comfortable seats with copious amounts of questionable substance on the floor. After this was done he summoned the other elves and sat down to enjoy the show... er begin research. Right that was it.

After three hours of watching the movies the house elves had determined what it was that the headmaster wanted them to see. Although their decision may have been hampered by the large amounts of Butterbeer that they had ingested no one would doubt that this is what they were to do. It had been decided that Dumbledore wanted four of them to dress up as the Ghostbusters and attack Voldemort. It was decided that the attack force would be made up of Dobby, Blub, Wanny, and Groc. It was further decided that they would need a secretary. No one knew why it was necessary but it was so they had chosen Winky for the job.

It took the elves several long and grueling minutes to conjure all the equipment that would be needed from the movies but once they had it all it took no time at all to suit up. After they had been suited they decided that before they left to destroy the dark lord they would need to test the equipment. This of course led to a rousing game of 'Chase the Ghost' much to the displeasure of several of the Hogwarts ghosts. Once they were satisfied that they could use the gear decently they left. Soon they all thought soon the dark lord would be no more.

… … …

Somewhere in England.

A group of four stood outside a manor that belonged to the dark lord. This was it no turning back now. Not that they were going to regardless but this felt like the right thing for all of them to think in the situation. Quickly they charged the front door. As soon as they came upon the door they popped themselves into the throne room. Being house elves there was no way they were gonna try and fight their way into the room. Once inside they found their target. He was sitting next to a table that had a box labeled 'Dumbledore's Lego Don't Touch' but they didn't care. He looked up as they approached.

"Grab your stick." Dobby said with a smirk. As one they all drew their weapons of ghostly destruction.

"Holdin'" came the reply from the other three equally smirking elves.

"Heat 'em up" Dobby said and once again as one they activated their machines as the other three replied "Smokin'"

"Make 'em hard." Dobby called and everyone released the safety off their guns as they shouted "Ready."

"Lets show this bastard how we do things in Hogwarts... Throw It." he screamed and as one they shot. Unfortunately even with all their practice their aim was still horrible and no one came close to hitting the Dark Lord. Instead they each hit one of the four doors in the room melting them together so no one could enter.

"Right Maybe we should try that one again and this time keep our eyes open as we do it." Blub stated as he looked at the mess they had made.

"Yeah that might just help a little." Groc agreed. Once again they took aim and keeping their eyes open fired upon the Dark Lord. The four beams struck him with the force of a rampaging dragon and Voldemort was instantly thrown off his feet. Dazed and confused he looked at the three elves with something that he had never felt in a long time. Fear. The elves seeing this renewed their efforts. Outside all the death eaters could hear were what they assumed to be spell fire, many curses of the muggle variety. Then they heard what would scar them for the rest of their lives.

"Oh My God you crossed the streams." Dobby screamed. The four elves watched as the Dark Lord was consumed in a marvelous display of colors the likes of which could not be described (Mainly cause we don't have the budget for it.). Eventually it got too bright for them and when it finally died down there was nothing left but a pile of ash and Dumbledore's collection of Lego.

… … …

No one knew what happened to Voldemort. The death eaters who had been there insisted that it was the work of super powerful gods. Dumbledore eventually got his Lego back after the house elves had finished playing with it. Hermione continued her crusade to give elves more rights but eventually settled for making movie night mandatory for every elf in England. But for Dobby, Blub, Wanny, and Groc they knew the truth. They had saved the world. Though it still wasn't as good a feeling as sliding down the banister in the main hall.


End file.
